preface
consider this the sequel to “days of desperation”
while those pieces reflected my teenage years
this reflects the awkward years of 19 and 20
embracing adulthood and independence
but failing endlessly beyond repair
i am not mad about it though
it happens to everyone
thanks for reading
~ <3 ~
1
inheritance
the convicted comma,
generational trauma.
will it end with me,
or keep pushing onwards?
could i cure the karma,
save sons and daughters?
and is it conviction,
when my heart is imprisoned?
what is breaking free,
forgoing commitment?
no more clouded vision,
goodbye, good riddance.
2
two worlds
like two circles becoming a venn diagram
two entirely different worlds crossing paths
upon connection there is awkward hesitation
two worlds collide but how can they join?
perhaps by divine intervention, they overlap
ever so slightly at first, and its euphoric
confining each other into their commonalities
until discovery of their differences and duality
ignorance establishes a game of push and pull
yearning to share more, to become one entity
and yet still clenching onto individuality
the momentum pushes each world apart again
even the common ground feels far away now
and all that can be shared is the distance
as they watch each other fade away
two worlds hurt as one
3
eulogy
I started mourning long before your soul left your body
It started when your body collapsed and held your soul captive
The hard part is I was mourning what I never experienced
Word of mouth painted this picture of your prime
What I experienced was someone who was surviving
Aunts and uncles gave me toys, you gave me coins and knives
Told me to hold onto them, even past your transcendence
You couldn’t depart before ensuring we were protected
The day of your funeral I didn’t cry
My path to acceptance started long before you died
It started the day I realized I never knew you
The real you
4
heartbeat
thankfully you’re not as compulsive as me
otherwise we’d be married in a heartbeat
it’s cliche to say; you take my breath away
how long before these feelings fade?
next to you i can’t even watch a movie
i pray for end credits before each new scene
between the cinematic deaths and kisses
i can’t choose which i’d rather be living
love is gross, love is pathetic
feels like hell, and yet you’re heaven
the angel of death deciding my fate
and either way i’ve gotten a taste
so as my heart attacks my chest
i pray to you to just let me rest
5
dreams
reckless group of kids put in a room
flirting and fighting; we were doomed
one track minds with conflicted hearts
how did it take so long to fall apart?
they came to my city, my beloved home
so immature in the way they roamed
but you didn’t come to enjoy the view
you came for me, your forbidden fruit
flashback to driving through a warzone
a familiarity that makes you feel alone
yet i never avoid it, never try to escape
i let things blow up with no complaints
three dreams play back in succession
trying to hammer in a common lesson
i no longer have trust in those i love
maybe with patience, i’ll have enough
6
heartbreak
never felt love ‘til i fell for it hard
now my chest has scars from protecting my heart
and i never felt pain ‘til i felt something strange
like my mind and my body couldn’t cooperate
and i never felt lost ‘til i fled from a god
the one they sing to at church or pray to at mosque
but i never felt bad ‘til i fed into you
your lies and deceits, in denial of truth
maybe it feels worse ‘cus its a reminder of me
or at the very least thats how i used to be
i know i’m imperfect, keep my skeletons in pockets
but you’re neglectful, throwing bones in the closet
7
return to the creek
“my own life”, i sang
“i just want my own life
if i follow you down the creek
who’s to care for those i leave
i just want my own life”
“my own life?”, i pondered
“do i not have my own life?
who am i following to the creek?
and is this place make believe?
why do i sing of my own life?”
“my own life”, i repeated
“i’ll try to live my own life
my subconscious must have leaked
for where else would i retrieve
this notion to live my own life”
8
gardening
i suppose it’s my fault
to have all of this love
but to be so unrooted
that it all just falls out
yet you took that for granted
led me to the earth
took it from beneath
and dug up the seed we planted
9
advice from an elder
“your words, they really take me for a spin…
trying to rewind, and find where to even begin.”
“you’re coming undone, my son, where are you going with this?
took your time, just to realize that you’ve sunk into the abyss…
well i’ll fish you out, and give you something to miss…
the depth of your young troubles only scratch the surface”
“its just like my papa told me, don’t go around growing old!
its really not worth the while, or at least thats what i’ve been told…
your youthfulness is on fire, dont let that exuberance get cold…
the clockwork is in place to freeze your precious time down the road”
10
guillotine
it’s with a heavy heart i do anything at all
as it brought me to my knees so i could stall
to convince you this is where we needed to be
and maybe i’d be better by the time you agreed
i remember the days when tornado sirens blared
slept with my siblings in a closet, never scared
if it all went to shit, at least we knew
that we didn’t have to watch it too
you’re hot and cold, a destructive blend
for better or for worse this is starting to end
i’ll stop window shopping, i’ll retreat
and start taking the bitter with the sweet
truthfully, i think this is for the best
i was foolish, my heart had lost its head
because your love is like a guillotine
now i’m free, no longer on my knees
11
fisheye
in a classroom, called out
and out zooms the fisheye lens
isn't that what it feels like?
as your world expands, they all come into frame
peers' eyes pierce through your periphery
those you ignored choose to recognize you
look forward, tune them out, shake the feeling
a suffocating sixth sense
your lungs feel heavier as it builds
something coming up through your throat
your body forcing you to respond
confirm your existence, they're all waiting
how will you sound?
what will you say?
are you one of them?
but all you want is to be on your own
so you leave your body and hide away
12
OFEWIST
a rough acronym conveys a necessary affirmation
purge the old ideas of who you are and what you offer
eliminate the conventions created by the failures and oversights
form new expectations reflected only in yourself and your faith
embody the person you want to be, not the one you regret never being
Out Falls Every Wicked Idea Still There
you are no longer a home for them
13
sunset
another chapter ends.
as it closes, it casts a large shadow
over what remains.
there is a growing absence of light
hardly ever subtle.
accompanied by a brighter horizon
an exigent phenomenon.
most days arranged around it's descent
but never yielding.
it rises on the other side each morning
seeing what it missed.
exposing our darkest deeds for the world to see
and make better.