First of all, I'd like to thank a friend of mine (they know who they are... if they ever find this) who posed the following question,
"how do you stop waiting for an apology that's never going to come?"
Initially, I didn't know how to answer this. Yet I felt in my soul that I needed to answer this, not just to help out a friend, but for myself as well.
To clarify, this question was posed on Twitter, and it could have been asked in a rhetorical sense. So, I *really* had no obligation to answer.
I started to think about cases where I was on the other side of the equation; the culprit who owes an apology (whether I knew it at the time or not).
Then, I realized that the greatest acts of forgiveness were never said out loud. They were from people who never got the apology they were looking for.
However, for some beautiful reason, they slowly or decisively begin to let you into their lives again, knowing it's time to let go of the hurt.
I always wonder how someone knows it is time to let someone back into their life who did something hurtful.
Maybe they can just feel the shame, even if the words aren't uttered. They can tell how much the other person is crippled by their own failures.
Failures that include the failure to apologize.
I think these acts of forgiveness carry a weight because you're not freed from the shame, but it's being recognized.
There's something oddly intimate and vulnerable about that, even if it is the easy way out.
So, my answer to my friend included this,
"practicing forgiveness throughout your life can make the burdens of the apologies you've never received a lot less heavy."
~~~
I think all advice should have an asterisk.
*easier said than done.
There's a learning curve, that's for sure. This must be emphasized.
I think there's a level of insecurity that comes from refusing to forgive someone, whether there's validity to it or not. (who am I to say for sure?)
Not only do we want to know that someone recognizes their wrongdoing, but we want to hear them admit to it.
When you really take a second to consider, it's like a punishment. An expression of accountability that's often important, but also condemning.
Partly, we don't want all the pain from the situation to rest on our shoulders, we want to share the pain with the person who hurt us in the first place.
It can be very satisfying, but it isn't always healthy.
Forgiveness, as horrible as this sounds, is accepting the pain and accepting the burden that was placed onto you.
Please note, however, that acceptance does not equal tolerance. Especially if the circumstance is one of an ongoing pattern of someone's recklessness.
Oftentimes we aren't ready to forgive someone when they apologize to us. Even if the apology is as genuine as they come.
This is confusing, because we are conditioned to believe in, and expect, the order of apologizing first, forgiving second.
However, the truth is you'll never be able to accept an apology if you haven't already found room to forgive them.
~~~
Forgiveness, as well as healing in general, requires a level of spiritual and emotional organization.
You can not find room to forgive someone if your spiritual self and emotional self are not well organized.
The learning curve is a process of economizing and studying your own energy, your own mental capacity.
It also entails understanding in what ways you have been conditioned in your upbringing to apologize / forgive people.
Maybe you were raised by guardians that were very stern about saying "I'm sorry", even when you weren't.
If this is the case, this may make it harder to accept apologies and to forgive people, because you know how forced / fake they can be.
This organizational process is slow going at first, because it's not easy to be this introspective if you don't give it a lot of practice.
Even those who consider themselves to be very introspective people can find themselves being very exhausted by this process.
I like to think it gets easier, but maybe the other side of it feels so healing because you know how hard it was.
Be sure to give yourself the credit of having organized your emotional and spiritual self, take pride in that.
Many people try to avoid it their entire life.
~~~
Once you have processed all of this internally, it's important to then process it externally.
As I told my friend, you need to actively practice forgiveness in your daily life to continue healing.
This can be hard, because people can be taken off guard by your sudden shift in interaction with them.
Another learning curve, but it is rewarding to let go of previous biases or grudges with someone.
Sometimes those biases and grudges were blocking or hiding the positive reasons you even had investment in that person in the first place.
This doesn't always have to be a verbal confrontation, although this can help speed up the process.
Sometimes people will be more open to letting things go unsaid, because they themselves are still figuring out their own emotions.
However you go about it, be patient. That's the ultimate test of forgiveness... patience.
You may say you forgive someone one day, but the next day you find yourself back in the hurt.
Forgiveness is not a one stop shop. It is an ongoing experience you share with someone. That's the hardest part.
~~~
I think that's growing up... finding new ways to forgive people, and continually making room in your heart to do so*










*easier said than done.