preface
these words represent thoughts and feelings from my teenage years
i refer to this period of my life as the “days of desperation”
as you read you may find that fitting
most of these are written in reflection
i hope it reflects who i was, am now, and am trying to be
thanks for reading <3
1
heel bleeding
i think my dreams contain a lot more death than they should
no longer believing death might feel better than dreams could
and i am only 4 maybe 5 years from that reality
heel bleeding one morning in the streets of ma’adi
because i really wanted to pull off a pair of shoes
the back ridge so sharp it threw my groove
and it was far more taxing since my earbuds gave in
music simulated the death and dreams i’d been saving
many mornings i would lose my footing in those fantasies
‘til i was within a foot of my gated academy
imposing its grounds as a pay-to-win utopia
exposing stress and a drug abuse to cope with it
never did grasp my peers’ drunken pride
sat quietly day dreaming until each day died
2
deep end
just a pale dumb boy drowning in the waters
telling myself i never really knew how to swim
so i would learn how to backstroke all over again
just to find myself being dragged down in the deep end
“believe me, there’s no use in testing the waters
settle on the shore, you’re not going anywhere”
said the anchor who promised they’d always be there
so instead of chasing the setting sun, i sat and stared
3
grass stained battle scars
mother always warned me against playing in my jeans
but i was proud of the grass stained battle scars
intrigued by the blues submission to the greens
blue was always my sister’s favorite color
i gravitated towards red with competitive flair
and naturally green belonged to my little brother
destined to differentiate, he didn’t get to decide
but ironically my mother loves green on me
matches my skin tone, brings out my indecisive eyes
some time ago big blue really was all water
until the oceans were invaded by the land
and the efforts of its inhabitants got broader
green forced to comply with the creation of man
like small towns with expansive southern fields
or a crowded city engulfed in sand
now we’re full circle in the times most dire
ice thinning forearming the seas for war
overtaking shores, green caught in the crossfire
4
dear number four
number one prophesied your arrival
and i prepared myself for a rival
but the idea of another girl grew on me
i left some room in my heart accordingly
and i’d throw my belongings in the creek
if i were told you’d come home in a week
just to make space for the newborn
even the paper memories with edges torn
the ones i was promised we would hang
but then the other side of the globe rang
still to this day i would lift you up
bring to you a blanket or sippy cup
because i promised i would protect you
but i guess its clear i won’t ever have to
years of waiting turned to years wasted
years when number three needed saving
far past the time number one moved on
and it was up to me to grow strong
not for you, number four
but for the four i foolishly ignored
5
car windows
i really like car windows
i would often look at their reflections
walking in the streets of cairo
there was always a car parked after the other
insecurities inspired my need to ensure
that i wasn’t walking into school looking dumb
car windows are just as nice from the inside
on road trips i apologize to my parents in advance
i will sing any and all songs from our queue
while staring out the window for hours
doesn’t speak well to my conversational abilities
i just love watching the world pass by
seeing where i’m headed
seeing where i’m coming from
not often can i be so aware as i view my life
not often can i be so prepared as it passes by
often it hits you when you’re not looking
6
underwear & cigarettes
belongings proven to bite me in the ass
belongings hidden within my backpack
belongings inciting investigation again
belongings i no longer give explanation
belongings i keep on me
… due to lost sense of belonging
7
philosophy of sound
why do we have to make noise?
to be heard
why do we have to be heard?
to be understood
why do we have to be understood?
to be together
why do we have to be together?
to make more noise
8
eternity in my grasp
sure it came out harsh
better than not at all
kept telling truth in parts
im making the full withdrawal
you’ve said “don’t leave” before
and never made room for me to stay
kept making excuses out the door
until admitting “i’m not okay”
in retrospect i just stood still
into the city streets, i watched you fade
eternity in my grasp, i watched it spill
for us two i believed in figure eight
i followed the sun
i did what i was told
but now the day is done
how’d we get so cold?
9
desert smoke break
desert smoke break
he fought the urge
made it halfway
lost the courage
10
intervention
held back after class
i sat down as instructed
watching a girl walk out
but before she could escape…
“are you on drugs?”
momentary shock
still watching the girl
she speeds up
gone.
“are. you. on. drugs?”
i shake my head
some moments later
“you’ll never graduate”
maybe not, we’ll see
school’s the least of my worries
11
on-flight delusions
i had it all figured out
in yet another manic bout
i feel the gravity leave me
as i’m manifesting, believing
i’m high in the sky, elated
masculinity deflated
and yet i transgress
lies build up in my chest
i needed this feeling
some delusional healing
had my head in the clouds
what goes up must come down
12
that's what they all say
i decided to come out via message
so i type out and send my confession
“i’m gay”
“no you’re not”
“okay”
“that’s what they all say”
i sit at my screen stunned
sister looks over funny
betrayal begins
paranoia sets in
“how are you so sure?”
“so and so is gay”
“so and so is gay… so?”
“so i can tell you’re not”
so simple… so sophisticated
so i accepted without another second wasted
13
monologue
i am wandering wonderously
the aftermath of mistakes and misfortune
conceived by continuous, concentrated control
but the past is the past, the presents a playground
excluding expectation from exploration
just following faith for the future
i am going, going, gone
no regrets or rewind requests
simply submitting to selfhood
in order to open to others
directing my destined drive
for a lost yet lingering love