amor fati is latin for "love of fate". it's been a year since i found that out.

in 2019 i had what's known as a phase of bliss. in other words, it's when you're

recovering from something identity-altering, and are at peace with the world.

it's like when you've cried so much there aren't any tears left, so you figure,

"might as well accept the circumstances". so, really, it's a false sense of bliss.

maybe it's a state of mania. but it's nice while it lasts, it's even humbling in some ways.

in this phase of bliss, your favorite phrase is "que sera sera" or "whatever will be will be".

in this phase of bliss, you believe in the butterfly effect, and how everything you've been through was

caused by something seemingly irrelevant or insignificant. you don't take life too seriously, because it's a waste of energy.

or it's because you don't even have any energy left to waste. regardless, it feels nice not having to care so much anymore.

in this phase of bliss, your head is in the clouds, your eyes not wavering from the sky, because you don't want to know what 

awaits back down on earth. people in your life urge you to be grounded. you wish you could, a former self even fought for a 

fleeting feeling of groundedness. instead, having nothing left tying you down anymore, you just float away... into the abyss.

into a phase of bliss. eventually life catches up to you, and you drown yourself in education, career, finances, and all of the things

people encourage you to care about. and you wonder whatever happened to the little boy that was enamored by fate. 

the little voice that whispered, "everything will work out in time" is now screaming, "you need to work everything out in time".

the little things kept you smiling, like a dog in a basket from that one hitchcock movie, or the cheeky ad libs in 2pac's music.

maybe one day you get to return to that phase of bliss, where you no longer treated yourself like the center of the universe,

and were content with vibing out in the background while the protagonists did their thing. maybe one day you'll return.

for now you reminisce.  for now you have faith in the process, in the hard work, in the tedious things. fate will reward you down the line.